Skip to main content


Sometimes I go to bed at night and I see short clips of my life, like flashing visions in an an old 35mm movie. If I am lucky, I get the good times. But every now and then, when I least expect it, the fear hits hard - the fear of another time that I have tried so hard to forget. 

I see those eyes that, in a dream once, appeared red, as if someone was giving me a warning that I was dealing with the devil. And that smirk, full of crookedness and anger. I try to close my eyes to erase these images, but they are there, burned in memories I wish I could forget.  

This time I am walking through the house, carrying in bags of groceries from my car. My thoughts begin racing -  I followed the list, didnt I? I dont think I forgot anything. I hope I got everything right this time.  The same thoughts I always have when coming home from grocery shopping. As I hurry to unload the bags and get the items where they belong, I hear, "did you get the sour cream? I dont see it. " Oh no. Shoot. How could I forget the sour cream!? It was on the list!! I know I passed that aisle, but I meant to go back for it. Ohh... All I can manage to say, stumbling over my words scared of the pain that is to come, is "Well, I missed the aisle and I was already on the other side of the store and meant to... " That was it. That is as far as I got into the explanation of the missing sour cream, before it started...  

What happened after that is what always happened when I failed a mission. I was forced to recognize what a failure I was. The eyes. The smirk. They came on strong. They were always present in that moment. Just like country music and alcohol. These things are intertwined into my being to shout pangs of fear, forcing my body to tense, waiting for the blow. The noise gets so loud - the yelling, the crashing... Oh, good... this time its just painful words, Im lucky today. I have heard all of the statements... how I am pathetic, useless, worthless, ignorant, and, somehow, I get reminded that its 'not all about me'... It doesn't take much to get broken down into enough pieces that you start believing what you hear.

When it quiets down, I go into the bathroom and cry... Cry because I feel sorry for myself. Cry because I feel so alone. Cry because I feel hopeless. Cry because I feel so broken. And cry because I forgot the sour cream ... and then I scold myself that it won't happen next time. 

I shudder as it takes me a minute to realize that it was just a passing thought of a time that I have overcome... and that I am safe now, no longer broken and alone. On nights like this, I use the glimpse of the past to remind me to thank God for my present, for my blessings. 

At some point in life, we will all experience a difficult time that can leave us broken. Are you going to let it consume and conquer you? Or will you stand strong on your feet and march on? 

God never allows pain without a purpose in the lives of His children. He never allows Satan, nor circumstances, nor any ill-intending person to afflict us unless He uses that affliction for our good. God never wastes pain. He always causes it to work together for our ultimate good, the good of conforming us more to the likeness of His Son. 
~ Jerry Bridges

Whether your pain comes from the loss of a loved one, a failed relationship, an addiction, at the hands of someone else, or for any other reason, you are experiencing that pain as part of your journey. There IS a reason for it. And its up to YOU to decide how YOU WILL OVERCOME it. Even the impossible is possible with faith. 

I am going to leave you with something I heard the other day that makes my heart smile and calms my soul. Ironically, its titled "Ora," which is Italian for "now." Close your eyes and listen - you are worth it. 


Popular posts from this blog

Quench your thirst

In my mind, I keep coming back to this location, location, location thing.
I always used to get irritated when people would come to Florida to visit and harp on me about not having a killer tan -- as if I had all the time in the world to sit at the beach! But those who visit -- that is what they do -- visit the beach! They come into town, get a tan, and head on home to show it off.
When you live here, it is a different story. You have your daily routine that includes work, appointments, shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. A trip to the beach has to be weaseled in. And, even then, it seems like something needs to get put on the back burner.
When you manage to squeeze it in and arrive at the beach, you can start to relax once you are able to let everything go that could've/should've/would've been done had you not decided to head east. The smell of the salty air, the crashing of the waves, the sand between your toes, and the smiles on everyone's faces... why don't we do th…

If today is your last...

Have you ever really thought about the fact that we may not be here next week? Tomorrow? By 9:00 pm tonight? We don't know when we are going to get called home -- we just know that we will one day. It is inevitable. 
And then there are those who sorta get a heads up... say you fall ill and your doctor tells you that you only have a small window of human life left in you. Or, maybe you hear a small voice or get a feeling that your time to head home is coming... 
Think about it: You hear the words, "Good morning, <insert your name>, today is your last day to live on earth." What would you do? How would you react? 
Something tells me some folks may begin rushing around in a panic trying to quickly pack everything into 24-hours that they didn't take the time to do before now. All those things on the bucket list -- the sky diving, the traveling, seeing your favorite football team play live, trying to finish the kitchen sink ice cream challenge, singing a solo at church…

This could be you

Lets talk hypothetical situations for a minute, shall we? You are walking down the street. You see a man sitting on the ground, his back against a building. Upon first glance, you notice his disheveled appearance, worn clothing, and the grungy backpack sitting close to him. What is your first thought? When you see his face, what or who do you see?
This is where I am learning people differ. And I apologize in advance for my bit of a rant... 
Recently, I was reading the book of Job. If you are not familiar with his story, Job was a good, faithful man who had done well in life. In my version of the bible (NLT), he is referred to as "blameless." Satan approached God and wanted to test Job's faith. God told him that he could test him in any manner he wanted, but to spare his life. During this process, Job lost all his children, his sheep, camels, oxen, donkeys, servants, etc. His body was covered in boils from head to toe. His spirits were down, but his faith never faltered.