Friday, October 21, 2016

I am ready

Every one of us has a story. We all have been through things that have paved out a part of our path thus far. We have been told over and over that everything happens for a reason and God has a plan for all things that happen. Though, sometimes things are so difficult that we have a hard time seeing through the shadows in order to find the light. Some of us may never even find it. 

When bad things happen to us on our journey, I truly believe that our body is so magnificent that it has a built in mechanism that blocks things until you are ready to face them... like, maybe we still need tools that God hasn't lead us to yet, who knows. Whatever the reason, it happened to me. See, for the longest time I was missing a couple years of my life. I knew what years they were, I knew what happened in them, but I couldn't remember exact details...until recently. Over the last couple of months I have been bombarded with memories that I had locked up so deeply in my being. 

Before I go any further, please know that this post is going to be a bit different than normal. And it is going to get a bit personal. Well, ok, A LOT personal. This is my journey for a reason. And now I am being compelled to share, little by little. A few details some of you may already know, but most are stories that I have never told a soul. Until now.

Just shy of a decade ago I found myself in a relationship that consumed me. It started as any normal relationship would... but I was ingested so quickly that I couldn't settle my focus on the things that I had spent my life nourishing -- my relationships with friends & family, my education, my skills. Little did I know that giving up control over those things was only the beginning... 

Life was a whirlwind. Crazy nights, parties, spontaneous adventures. Almost all of these included large amounts of alcohol. Alcohol affects each person differently. Some get giddy, others get sloppy, some get emotional, and the worst ones get angry. My relationship in drunk terms made a giddy person and an angry person. Lets just say I was not the angry one. 

In a span of 2.5 years I learned the following: 

- what it means to relinquish control. 
- how quickly a laugh can turn into a cry. 
- how belittling feels. 
- how it feels to be lifted off the ground by your hair. 
- what its like to look in the mirror and hate what you see and what you stand for.
- what lonely feels like. 
- what broken looks like. 
- how painful words are. 
- how clenching a jaw really hard can somehow lessen the blow of a fist. 
- how hearing something over and over sinks into the fibers that make you. 
- how it feels to hear the hurt of loved ones.
- how ashamed feels. 

I stumbled across a blog the other day looking for posts of things we discover that we do well. I decided to take a step and submit a guest post. I said that I leave well. And I mean that. I do leave well. You know why? Because it took a couple of years, a lot of pain, 1300 miles, and an ounce of strength, but I successfully left and started over. 

It isn't easy for those on the outside of me to understand. I couldn't let those closest to me know what I was going through because it was not as easy as, "just leave." Maybe it was... But not when you are broken down so much that you are unrecognizable to your own self. After all, if you don't know who you are anymore, how can you remember how strong you were or what you used to be capable of? It was easier to keep this all in. Hearing the hurt or judgments of loved ones may have taken me too deep. I knew well enough to know that I couldn't handle that.

I did not write this for pity or for your personal opinions on my life or my decisions. I am writing this from a place of joy. I have come a long way from the person that I was back then. And from the bottom of my heart I believe that if I had not gone through the things that I did, then I would not be who I am today -- no matter how cliche that sounds. 

I have discovered that when I felt so alone, I wasn't. I had God the whole time. I just wish I would've known him then like I do now... though I may not have been so easily broken down and re-molded in the way he needed me to be, right? I'm ok now. I am more than ok. I'm good. I am happy, I am loved, and I am stronger still today than I was yesterday. And I have forgiven - and found forgiveness - on so many levels.

Whatever journey you face in life, know that it builds you up for what is to come. God prepares you for what he has in store for you. I am ready. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. - Romans 5:3-5 (NIV)

You can check out the guest post here:The secret to leaving well
Make sure to check out all of the other blogs at: ilovedevotionals.com It is an awesome and inspirational blog. 

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